Taking Punches

I put my heart and soul into my work. I spend upwards of 10 hours on my feet at a wedding, shooting sometimes 1200 pictures. Then on top of that, I spend around 20-40 hours on the computer going through each and every picture. That is where I work the hardest. I color correct every picture. Sometimes I crop pictures, or zoom in. If I love something colorful in a picture, often I will take out all of the other colors except for the focal point. That tends to be a favorite trick among my customers. There are some things that I do that the customer will never notice. People often blink in pictures, or children will act up, or the bride's dress may be dirty. I've taken pictures where people are blinking, and taken another shot where they weren't blinking, and replaced just their eyes with the good shot. I've taken beautiful smiling children out of a shot where not everyone looks good, and merged them into a shot where they were having a tantrum but everyone else looks perfect. I've digitally cleaned dresses and suits, taken out blemishes and double chins. Sometimes it makes me a little sad to know that they will never see what I do to make a shot perfect. But it makes me so excited to know that's the point. When I receive the bride and groom's prints in the mail, I take each one and insert them (wearing gloves of course) into clear plastic sleeves so dirty grubby hands will keep off their prints. I spend hours on their DVD, matching the titles with the colors of their wedding, organizing their pictures into categories and bringing life to the pictures with music. The CD's and DVD's and their cases are personalized to each bride and groom. If they order an album, I spend hours tediously arranging their pictures into pages that they will treasure for generations. I do all of it myself. Other than printing up the photos, I do everything. Compared to most other photographers out there, my prices are beyond reasonable. Especially for the amount of things the bride and groom receive. But, that's because I was there. I wanted a good photographer for my wedding, but what I wanted costed upwards of $5000. It was ridiculous. The wedding photography business is full of bureaucracy and I want no part of that. I'm happy where my business is and I don't plan on making a fortune with it. I'm just a stay at home mom with a pretty good side gig. And I love it. It's hard and tedious sometimes, but I love it. I have gotten so many praises and so much gratitude, it humbles me. So, when a bride tells me that "These are the worst pictures I have ever seen in my life....Thank you for ruining my special day with these horrible pictures!" It's a bit of a slap in the face. I realize I'm not an expert in my field. Far from it, I've only been officially doing this for a little over a year. But to tell me that my life's work and something I've poured my heart and soul into is horrible is simply dumbfounding for me. This happened to me today. I cried my eyes out to my husband, to my best friend and to my mother. I looked through the pictures and I found most of them to be beautiful. I had a problem with the lighting in the church however. I'm not that great with bad lighting situations. I don't have the thousands of dollars it would take me to be great at it. I wish I did. But, because I'm not trying to make a fortune doing this, I have to do the best with what I have. But possibly the worst thing a bride could say to me was that I ruined her wedding day. She can never get that day back and neither can I. I will never be able to do enough to make that better for her. On one hand I want to be angry because the pictures she is talking about are just a handful. The rest are wonderful. But, on the other hand, I'm hurt and embarrassed and I feel like a failure because those handful of pictures are of the most important moments of the day. I've never taken rejection well. Ever since I was in grade school, Jr high, and high school, rejection has been such an overwhelming shadow in my life that it has made me who I am. I try so hard to please people, I can never say no, and I can be a pushover sometimes. Sometimes I wonder why I chose this to be my calling. I can take the pictures, but I feel like I can't take the rejection. The chance of failure is so great. What if I lose someone's pictures? What if my camera fails in the middle of the ceremony? What if something happens to me or my daughter or my husband while a wedding is taking place? What if the pictures don't turn out? These questions are always running around in my mind. It's a source of stress that gives me a constant headache day in and day out. But I think the reason I chose this, most likely subconsciously, is because of the challenge. I could have a cushy job, but I wouldn't be making a difference in anyone's life. I would never be remembered. I'll never cure cancer, or win a Nobel prize, or climb Mount Everest. But when people look at the pictures of the most important day in their life, they will remember me. And hopefully they will be thinking good thoughts. But, when you work so hard and someone tells you that what you did for them is crap, I can't tell you how it hurts. I explained it to my best friend like this: My work is my baby. Other than my daughter, it's my baby. If someone was to tell me that I was a horrible mother, when I have worked so hard to be a good mother to Ava, it's like stabbing you in the heart. It sucks. And that's the thing, not everyone knows that the logo of my company is Ava. It was the first professional picture I took of her. When I took that picture, everyone told me I was meant to do this. So, I took that picture, and I named the company after her, Ava Isabella. It's all for her. So when someone tells me I failed, I feel like I failed her. I know she is too young to understand, but in my heart I feel like I've let her down. And while for a few hours today I seriously considered throwing in the towel, I won't do it. Because it IS all for her. And if I stop, I will let her down. If I let one person's negative view of my work (in contrast to everyone else's positive view) close the proverbial doors, then I have failed her. So, I'll take the punches. Now, let me brush that dirt off my shoulder. And if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.